FACE

Leaving Los Angeles

2008-04-29T10:38:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I would come to LA once a month. It was my happland. More importantly, it was Jen. Jen lives in LA. And she was always my excuse for visiting. Yesterday I left Los Angeles. But it felt different. It felt different because I didn't make plans seeing her again. It's the first time we said goodbye and that's it. No "See you in a couple of weeks."

There's something surreal about saying goodbye to her. She changed my life. She will always be part of me.

We had one last night together. Everything felt so comfortable even though we knew what was going to happen later. We stayed up, listened to the album we first had sex to (you can never go wrong with Arcade Fire...).

And if the snow buries my
my neighbourhood.
And if my parents are crying
then I'll dig a tunnel
from my window to yours,
yeah a tunnel from my window to yours.

We held each other and cried. No words were spoken. The only thing I can hear were our hearts beating. And breaking.

I gave back the ring she gave me for our first year anniversary. A silver band with one encrusted diamond in it. I left it on her bed stand when I woke up. I just want things to be okay, but we are not together anymore. I don't feel comfortable wearing a promise ring, which I've already broken.

So yesterday I left LA.
Yesterday I left Jen.

As I sat in the airport, I found myself staring down at my hand. There was no ring to fidget with anymore. All that was left was a tan line from months of fighting, loving, fighting. And eventually that will fade away...like everything else.

I feel bad.

It's weird liking someone that isn't Jen. I'm scared of how I feel for Lindsey. I just gave up Jen. I should be feeling remorse and guilt, but all I can think about is Lindsey's smile lines, her soft skin, her morning smells.

It's weird loving someone who isn't Jen.

...

2008-04-10T11:33:00.000-07:00

I’ve been going crazy lately. I haven’t seen this side of me in a long time. I can’t help but be drawn into you. It’s weird how things are working out. That first night we hooked up, I remember looking into your eyes and you asked me if I was sure. For the first time in a long time, I had never been surer. I went in for the kiss and as my eyes were closed feelings that I had held for years came pouring out into that one moment, into that one kiss. I knew from that moment on, that things would never be the same again. It was such a relief.

The truth is I’ve felt this way for a long time. I know you probably thought you were never on the main stage, but you were always in the back of my mind. It hurts sometimes because I don’t think you feel the same way. And I want to give all of myself to you. I want to break down my walls for you. I want you to see me for what I am. I want you to know how I really feel. But there are just no words to describe how I feel when I’m around you.

You have a way of making me feel incredibly nervous. You always say I’m warm, but it’s only because you’re next to me, touching and holding me. Every time I look into your eyes I am on the verge of tears because of how happy you make me. And when I wake up next to you in the morning, I automatically know everything will be ok.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I sometimes don’t know how to tell you how I really feel. My actions are merely reflections of how flustered I get when it comes to you. I want to be good for you. And I’m working really hard to gain your faith in me—in us. I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t know where we’ll be in 3 days or a week. All I know is how I feel at this very moment. And that is enough to keep me going. It’s enough to wake up in the morning and put a smile on my face, because there’s a chance I’ll see you today. That is all I look forward to.

I am a douchebag.

2008-03-10T22:07:00.001-07:00

I have a really really bad problem. When I really like someone...I'm a douchebag. And that is exactly what is going on right now.

I feel so very very bad for Lindsey right now. You can say that we "fight"...a lot. And in public. And in front of our friends. I don't know why I do it. All I can say is that I'm trying to be "cute" but really, I know that she is just getting annoyed.

I apologized to Lindsey after making a d-bag move on Friday. I bought her a card and wrote a cute little note (not cheesy, but not lovey dovey gay). Things were good. Then...I had to open my fucking mouth and say something stupid.

I don't know why I do this! I really like her. But it's hard. My friends say I have trust issues. And although I don't mean to be a cunt, I end up coming off really defensive and a Rude's Chris Steakhouse.

I'm sick of playing this game with her. I really am.

Link up!

2008-03-05T15:09:00.000-08:00

I decided yesterday that I want a girlfriend who owns a Nintendo DS so we can be cute and link up in public.

Yup.

Yup.

2008-03-03T00:02:00.000-08:00

All of my friends call Lindsey "Straight Girl." SG for short.

Haha.

It used to bug me, but now I'm just used to it. Is that bad? It's really funny because if you saw Lindsey you would never think I would like her. We're really different. And she's different from any girl I've liked/dated. I definitely go for witty girls. But Lindsey isn't your typical "witty." She doesn't crack jokes here and there. She's has this way of saying things without knowing how incredibly adorable and funny she's being.

For example...

The other night I had to let her borrow my very old vacuum cleaner. This poor thing barely works. You definitely have to be patient with it. I warned Lindsey about it but I also already knew she would probably get annoyed.

So after a night of drinking she decides to try to use the vacuum. Because it's old and doesn't really work, of course she got frustrated. So she takes two lint cleaners and gets down on all fours and starts "linting" her carpet.

I really wanted to make fun of her but all I can do was smile. So adorable. She makes me smile. In other words...I'm fucked.

Wish me luck.

Jen has a twin

2008-02-24T20:02:00.000-08:00

Over a year ago, my friend called me up one day and said, "Oh my god, Jen has a twin that lives in Seattle. I just ordered coffee from this girl that looks exactly like Jen! You have to see her." Two days later, my roommate texted me that "Jen" was in his store buying clothes. Since then I receive texts/calls from friends with their Jen sightings in Seattle. I've never ran into her...until recently.

I was sitting at the local lesbo bar (the only one) and in walks "Jen." My jaw literally dropped. My friend I was with immediately yelled, "Oh my god! That girl looks exactly like..." Before she can finish her sentence my heart started racing. I immediately had to go outside for a cigarette. The whole night I stared at her.

Since then, I'll see "Jen" driving, walking around my 'hood, etc. But I never had the balls to say hi. I think there's something creepy going up to someone and saying, "You look exactly like the girl I'm in love with. Wanna go out sometime?"

So fast forward to yesterday. My roomie and I decide to go shopping and stop at a vintage store. As I'm driving there I see "Jen" walking. I freak out a little hoping she's going into the same store we are. After parking, we step into the store and I immediately see her. My heart is racing. I'm feeling everything I feel whenever I see Jen. Everyone is telling me to say hi, but I just freeze and can't get this silly grin off my face. Alas, she leaves and I'm left with the hope I'll run into her again.

So last night, my friend and I decide to go to a lesbian night that happens once a month. I hate going to these. There's nothing more disturbing than a bunch of horny lesbians accidently running into you and then girls you would never call giving you the stink eye. But my night got significantly better when I saw "Jen."

And this is when the liquid courage made an appearance.

I finally get the cajones to go up to her. My friend tells me that within 10 minutes of learning her name, we were making out. I find out her name is Joelle. She's just as dorky, quirky, and incredibly adorable as Jen. Kissing her was almost like kissing Jen. It's all a bit creepy, but fuck I wanted her to be Jen so much.

At this point I don't really know how to feel. I woke up next her in the morning and all I can feel was this urge to call Jen and tell her how much I miss and love her. I've never been more confused than I am at this very moment.

I miss her. I'll always miss her.

Nothing worse.

2008-02-22T20:54:00.001-08:00

There is probably nothing worse than falling for a straight girl if you're a lesbian.

I always thought it was ridiculous for my lesbian friends to fall for straight girls. I mean, every lesbian hooks up with straight girls. But you never fall for them. Doy. It's like setting yourself up for heartbreak and embarassment. So I always try my best to stay away.

But alas,

I have fallen for a straight girl.

And I'm hitting myself in the head right now. Hard. I don't know how it happened. Maybe it was in the works for awhile but now it's too late. And I can't get her out of my head. I have never wanted so badly to have a penis. Hmm...maybe I'll just go to Castle and buy one. Ha.

Dammit.

Dodging Cupid's Arrow

2008-02-13T06:34:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

I refuse to have a "Valentine." There's just something so gay about the whole holiday.

Maybe it's because I've never really had a full on "Valentine" and therefore the holiday just seems so strange. I tend to freak out a bit when things get too mushy or lovey-dovey, and I have a feeling it is why I completely ended things with Alice yesterday. Remember her? Yeah, me too. That's why I decided to call things off.

I told Alice that we were leading two different lives. I said that we have two completely different circle of friends and that I honestly don't see it going anywhere. Lately, we haven't really been hanging out. Instead, it's been us "hanging out" for a couple of hours of the day just to say we hung out. Therefore, I didn't think she would find it so shocking I wanted to end things.

But she was. In fact, she cried. I never pictured Alice as the one to cry. She's so "badass" and never really shows her true feelings (typical Libra, I say). I don't really know how I feel about the whole situation now. In all honesty, we have been hanging out with each other since November. That's quite a long time for lesbians. That's an even longer time for me. But as my feelings for Lindsey continue to play themself out, I really needed to drop Alice. It's what's best.

So tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Whoop-ti-do.

An introduction.

2008-02-08T17:37:00.000-08:00

I first met Lindsey in the sorority.

What's funny is that I remember the first time I saw her. She was getting a house tour and I remember thinking she was really hot. Not like "cute" or "pretty" but Lindsey was absolutely beautiful.

We didn't immediately become friends. I remember on her first night out with girls from our sorority, I asked for her number. You know, in case I found a better party to go to or in case I ever needed a drinking buddy. I never used that number that night. In fact, when I was going through which numbers to delete when I got my new phone, for some reason I didn't delete hers. Even though I had never spoken to her since that first night (besides small talk here and there), I wanted to keep her number.

Fast foward to later that year. We start "hanging out" a little more. And by hanging out, I mean we say hi to each other in the halls. Occasionally she would sit in my room and watch tv/movies with me. We started to hang out more as our circle of friends collided. There was nothing to it.

Then there came the time when there was no one in the house. It was just me and Lindsey. We decided to watch a movie in the slounge (the tv room). Out of nowhere she says, "You're gay right?" My jaw literally dropped to the floor. I was so surprised. It's one of those things that you think about in your head all the time but never thought anyone else caught on. I immediately refuted her comment saying I had never done anything with a girl. And thus no, I was not gay. I apparently spoke too soon.

That summer, Lindsey left for study abroad. She also started dating a new guy. That summer, I started working for my big corporate company. That summer, I met Jen.

When Lindsey returned later that summer, she was the first person I told about Jen. I then found out that she also dated a girl back in the day. We had a lot more in common than we thought.

Since that time, we have become best friends. She's the one that I bitch to about every girl. She knows way too much about my sex life than anyone should ever know. I've seen her break up with her boyfriend numerous times only to get back together with him 3 days later.

But things change I guess.

She is once again single. And I'm officially Jen-free. I am starting to see her in a different light. Which is somewhat scary. It's weird to think that she has been there the whole time. She has literally been right in front of my eyes the whole time.

So this post is to officially introduce Lindsey. You will be hearing a lot about her (btw, sorry for not updating...).

This adventure should be interesting.

A+

2008-01-16T17:30:00.000-08:00

Sorry for a lack of updates. I guess I've been busy? Umm...Alice and I are kind of hitting a "rough" patch. We barely hang out and when we do, it's just kind of awkward all the time. Maybe it's the age difference. Maybe it's because we lost the "magic." All I know is that it's crazy how you can go from liking someone so much to not knowing why you're still talking to them. I guess I'll just play it out and see what happens.

In other news, I am back in school. Winter quarter kind of blows. It's too cold to do anything. Basically I have been left to stay home and watch trashy tv or play video games. I thought I would take this time to take a "break" from girls. I'm just getting sick of trying to define relationships--what we are, how much we are, etc. If I hear the words, "we have to talk" one more time, I swear I might just run away.

So it's a surprise that when I take a vow to stay away from girls that I kind of meet someone in the least expecting place--my classroom. No, I'm not talking about some gross "Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson" moment, but instead, it involves a certain Teacher's Assistant.

When I first saw TA walk in a classroom filled with over 200 students, I immediately turned on my gaydar. I kept trying to make eye contact. Finally, as she was handing out the syllabus, we locked eyes. I gave her a little smile then turned my head away. I crossed my fingers in hopes I was in her section...and wala...I was!

So the next few days were probably the most awkward played out scenes you can imagine. There were awkward glances. Little smirks. Then finally. I received a little note from TA. It read, "Any exciting plans this weekend? Call me."

I have yet to utilize this number. I'm sure it will happen though. Hopefully I make the grade...

Apparently it's not the end...yet.

2007-12-20T11:50:00.001-08:00

There's a cliche when it comes to lesbians. Of course there's the "u-haul girlfriend" where 2 lesbians meet and immediate fall "in love" and within weeks, one is moving in with their pet cat in tow. But there's another cliche that I'm finding to be very true these days. And that is the one in which it takes several attempts and even more time (maybe even years) to break up.

And that is how I feel like me and Jen will be like forever.

As I mentioned before, Jen has/had a girlfriend. I recently went to LA to attend a concert (cough cough Spice Girls cough cough), and it was inevitable that I was going to see Jen. I kept telling my friends and myself that I was not going to see her. In fact, I really kind of didn't. The new girl I'm kind of seeing was worried. Alice, without making it obvious that she was mad, asked if I was going to see Jen. I told her that I wasn't sure. But that I would try hard to avoid the whole situation.

Well...I definitely saw Jen.

The thing is--everything was fine. We are always fine when we see each other. No matter how fucked up our situation is, we always have fun and we're always laughing. We talked. We talked about us. We talked about our new "girlfriends." She then informed me that she was breaking up with hers. She said she wasn't ready to be in a hardcore relationship.

So I left LA feeling new emotions for Jen. I didn't hate her. In fact, I realized how happy she made me. And how I was glad to still have her part of my life.

I don't know what our next step is going to be. Maybe we'll be friends for a bit. I don't know. She confuses me. Alice confuses me. I just need some time I guess.

Sigh.

Anxiety?

2007-12-04T16:33:00.001-08:00

So I've been kind of hanging out with this girl.

I met her a couple of weeks ago at a concert. I convinced my friend to go up to her and get her name. Later, we started talking and I asked her out on a date.

We've been inseperable ever since. In the past two weeks, she has pretty much lived in my house, my roommates are no longer surprised to see her on the couch when they get home from work, we make dinner together, and she officially survived a house party we threw (where she met all of my friends).

This leads me to feel pretty fucking nervous and anxious all the time.

I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to meet someone and fall for her. I didn't want to fall into the same trap I did with Jen. Especially so fast.

To be honest, I'm scared. And I think it's starting to show. I'm not the jealous type--I have my moments, but usually I stay calm and collected. But last night was BAD. And by bad I mean AWKWARD. I guess she kind of has an "open relationship" with someone and that girl found out about me and has been making new girl feel guilty. So last night while we were hanging out, she told me she had to go to the other girl's house to talk.

I'm not a fucking idiot. I know what "talking" leads to. Especially with two lesbians.

So I was definitely NOT happy.

All of this made got me thinking. I don't think I'm ready. I'm actually really fucking scared now. I am not the type of person to easily fall for girls. In fact, I get asked to be committed all of the time, but I refuse to do it. So it's rare that I have such intense feelings. It's weird that I actually "hang out" with this girl rather than just meet her and pull the "hump her/dump her" routine.

I guess in the end, I'm just scared. And confused as fuck. I have no idea how to handle this without being too emotionally involved. God am I scared.

-enter heavy breathing-

The End.

2007-11-29T20:23:00.000-08:00

I recently found out that Jen has a new girlfriend. We hadn't talked for awhile, which is rare, but I still didn't think it would be because she had a new girlfriend. I just figured she was too busy with work or something.

So I got an IM from her (so middle school btw). She told me she had something to tell me. Mind you, I am flying out to LA next week, so I quickly got worried. She then broke the news that she was in a relationship. She couldn't even fucking say she had a new girlfriend or that she was seeing someone else. She said, "I'm in a relationship now."

Then the cunt decided to give me details about how it went down expecting me to say "Awwww" at the end.

To be honest, initially I wasn't sad. I wasn't mad. My heart definitely sank a little. But then I remembered that I kind of had someone too. In fact, I had just spent the whole weekend in bed with someone else. And I was about to leave to pick her up for lunch.

I immediately called my friend up in which he responded with the following:
"You know what they say, it's easier to get over someone when you're under somebody else."

True dat.

But today, I woke up and I can't describe how I was feeling. There was an emptiness inside of me. A feeling that finally told me it was the end. I immediately broke down and started crying. My emo mix was quickly turned up and I just sat in my bed thinking about all I had been through with Jen. Then I removed every picture I could find of her from my room. I took down little notes she had written, concert tickets we had been too, plane tickets I had collected from every time I flew out to see her (there were over 20 total...), and finally I took down the framed picture of the first night we met.

She was the one that made everything so clear. And for the first time I wished I had never met her.

I don't really know what to think right now. My feelings are at a standpoint. Here I am kind of dating someone who is fucking rad but all I can do is think about Jen. I'm supposed to meet my new girl for dinner. But I would rather sit in my room and listen to cheesy break up songs. All I can do now is ask myself, "Now what?"

Breaking up is hard to do.

So LA

2007-11-14T13:37:00.000-08:00

A year ago around this time, one of my LA friends came for a visit. He's your typical celeb moocher--doesn't have a job, is still working on his "album" (it has already been 4 years...), and basically lives off his uber famous friend. Because of this, he constantly has VIP passes to any club, the best table at every restaurant, a constant stash of the best drugs and alcohol one can have, and the best part--being in the background of every paparazzi picture. What a life.

So when he came to visit, he invited me to his hotel for a little "get together." This get together had over 100 people. I arrived with a buddy of mine and we made our spot on the couch. Pretty soon, my friend comes in with a girl and tells her, "This is my friend I was talking about." I looked at her--she looks REALLY familiar. Where have I seen her before...

She sits down next to me and I realize who it is. Everyone knows who it is. She's famous. She's been in a few d-list movies and one really big TV show. So we're talking...I find out she's filming a movie in the city I live. She keeps brushing her hands on my legs. This is when I down my cocktail and look at my friend in the "What the fuck do I do" way.

I finally stand up and tell her I need to be heading out. It was just highly weird. I gave her my number and tell her to call me if she gets bored. When I get home, I immediately google her name and "lesbian." Yup, there have been suspicions. I should've known. Perez is always right.

The next day I get a text from actress. She asks me if I know of any good places to eat (I chuckled a bit...). I recommended my favorite sushi joint to which she asked me to join her. Later that night we met up and ate dinner and drank lots of wine. I asked her why she hasn't come out and she tells me she's just "having fun."

The night ends with more "having fun." She had the most amazing body I had ever seen and touched. Almost as if it was from the movies...oh wait.

We rarely speak these days. I get a few emails here and there just asking how I'm doing. In fact, I haven't seen her since that night. Perez still has his suspicions and the paparazzi has caught her several times with the same "girl." Well Perez--you're right. 100% correct. She's such a homo and I hope she's on the cover of People one day with the headline, "I'm Gay!" As for me, she ended up not being the only "celebrity" I hooked up with. But definitely a story for the books...

Out with the old, in with the older?

2007-11-13T19:18:00.000-08:00

I recently just came out at work. Which was awkward considering about 4 guys from work asked me out. I would always make up excuses like, "I have other plans," or "I have to wash my hair." But I really wanted to say was "I like pussy." Haha, I could just imagine what their faces would've been like if I just said that out loud.

At my job we have random designers come in to try to "inspire" us. Last week was no different. The woman that showed up looked like a character from the L Word. She was wearing a sweater with her collared shirt sticking out, jeans tucked into her boots, and perhaps it was her haircut that gave it away--blonde and spiked, dying to yell out "DYKE!"

After she gave her little talk, I went back to my desk. A few minutes later I get a page from my boss telling me to return to the conference room. She tells me she has someone that wants to meet me.

It was the designer.

So...picture this. I get left ALONE in the CONFERENCE ROOM with a 38 YEAR OLD famous designer at WORK. As my boss leaves the room she gives me a little wink. Wow.

So designer chick asks me out. She says she's only in town for a couple of days and wants to "grab a drink." I say yes. I figure it's free drinks. Plus, she's kind of hot. And what the hell, I have nothing else to do.

We grab some drinks. As I'm getting more and more "buzzed" (I lie, I was actually wasted by now), she asks me to go to her hotel room to watch some TV. Again, I say yes. Only because I want to sober up, I swear!

Turns out 38 year old women are kind of cool. That's all I'll say about that.

I guess she got offered a teaching position at a local community college. She says she'll be here for at least 3 months. Teacher? Hmm...this is too easy.

Call it off.

2007-11-13T19:13:00.000-08:00

There's a Tegan and Sara song called "Call it off." The lyrics go a little something like this:

I won't regret saying this
This thing that I'm saying
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case I go there
Everyday, to make myself feel bad
There's a chance that
I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to

The part that gets me is the "Maye I would have been something you'd be good at."

I've reached the stage where I think I just need to call things off with Jen. I look at my last post and it's ironic that it has come to this. But...I think it's time to go on.

For some reason, it feels ok.

And I'm fine with ok.

Happily Ever After?

2007-10-04T11:36:00.001-07:00

So Jen is in town visiting...

I've been highly stressed out lately--trying to find a new place to live, school, job. I reached my peak last week when we talked on the phone and she asked what would make me happy. I told her all I needed was to see her. And poke her.

So she came up. She's only here for a day (has to go back to work and is heading home for a week's vacation). But I can't help but get all giddy that she came up.

We went out to dinner downtown then back to her hotel for a bottle of wine. Granted we were pretty drunk, but the conversation we were having literally put a smile on my face...and my heart. Wow that sounded gay.

We talked about having kids...I know...that's pretty big. And we talked about where we wanted to live. We talked about our careers, our families--our future. I have a future. And even better, it's with Jen. It's so crazy how everything bad turns good for a few hours. All of a sudden I didn't have a single thing to worry about.

She wants to come back soon. She might even spend Thanksgiving up here...meet the mom. Wowzers.

This is such a boring post. Yet it's so major. I can't even talk right now. Absolutely speechless.

No more other girls. I don't want to play games anymore. I just want Jen.

Sleeping pills, Schleeping pills.

2007-09-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

I've been highly stressed out lately. This has led me to lie awake at night, constantly turning and finally falling asleep a good two hours before my alarm clock has to go off. I was getting sick and literally tired of this horrible sleeping schedule, so I went to the doctor.

Her answer was: Ambien.

Ambien is a well known and perhaps one of the strongest sleeping pills today. This little white pill works like a charm. Within 15 minutes I am most likely fast asleep and I wake up feeling refreshed and well rested.

So...last night I took an Ambien before heading to bed. Earlier, I went out and had a few glasses of wine but was ready to turn in early. I'm not sure if "waking up next to girls" is a side effect, but that's exactly what happened.

I took the Ambien. And in my "dreams" I kept dreaming I was texting this girl Amanda. Next thing I know--I wake up to start my day at 7 am. I reach for my cellphone to turn off my alarm but there's someone in my way. !!! Amanda is in my bed. Oh.My.God.

So...I don't know what happened. I don't think I want to know. Does it sound crazy that if I told you I was asleep the WHOLE time? Because I was. I was dead asleep.

This morning I got a text from Amanda saying, "Last night was fun. What are you doing tonight?"

Gulp. I don't know, sleeping?

One for the books

2007-09-09T21:58:00.000-07:00

Last night was insane. I don't say that often these days. I guess it's because I work everyday and hardly get to go out. Last night was an exception. My friends and I decided to go a local Burlesque show. I used to go all the time...I'm a big fan of the queens.

The drinking begins. By the time the show had started I had had 3 cocktails and 3 shots. I was feeling good. During the show, a waitress comes around and takes orders for drinks. The waitress that served us looked familiar...

I remembered her...boobs. And that ass.

Almost a year ago, I had watched the same show. She was also our waitress. I of course got tanked and kept feeding the waitress shots. We ended up "bumping" into each other in the bathroom. It was a mind blowing 20 minutes. I kissed her goodbye and left thinking, "Did that really happen?!"

Since then, I would eat at the restaurant she worked at and we would just awkwardly ignore each other. Last night was no exception. We pretended to not know each other. But throughout the show I would catch little smirks and glances from her. When she would hand me a drink I would feel her hand brush up on mine.

After paying my $190 bill I was feeling gooooooood. And waitress looked fucking hot. We finally shared the eyefucking glance and I knew what was coming (no pun intended). We took Liquid Cocaine shots (I felt like SHIT this morning), but the little bit of liquid courage allowed for some pretty good times. Apparently I really like bathrooms. Good times. And this time--I got her number.

Carly always makes a good point

2007-08-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

There's a song by Carly Simon called "Jesse." In the song, it talks about how she doesn't want this Jesse guy to come near her and she tells her friends that they absolutely can't allow him back in her life. So she lists off things she's no longer going to do for Jesse. "I won't cut fresh flowers for you/I won't make the wine cold for you/I won't change the sheets for you/I won't put on cologne/I won't wait by the phone for you." But in the middle of the song, she can't help but let Jesse back. Soon her lyrics change to "I'll always cut fresh flowers for you, etc." The best line in the song is "But how can anyone know what you are to me."

This weekend, Jen came up for a visit. I was supposed to go visit her in LA but I ended up cancelling my trip and she ended up coming up here. Everytime I see Jen I get extremely nervous. I can't describe my nervousness except explain how physically sick I get. My heart beats a million miles per hour, my palms are drenched in sweat and I always always puke. I don't know why, but it always happens.

From day one, Jen has always had this effect on me. Even when I'm talking on the phone with her, I choke up and don't know what to say. My voice squeals as if I'm a 13 year old boy going through puberty. But in the end--I always have the biggest smile on my face.

She makes me nervous. She still give me the butterflies. It's awesome.

Because I have such intense feelings for Jen, things tend to get kind of awkward. This weekend, I was convinced that I was over her. After days of talking to friends, I was sure that I could finally tell her that I was over her. I was over our "situation" and of the lack of respect and regards toward my feelings.

I came clean. I told her everything. I told her how I really felt and how I put her above everything in my life. I explained to her that I just could not go on anymore because my heart simply could not take any more disappointment and heartbreak. I was positive that I could go on and live my life without Jen.

...

I'm dumb.

I'm sure everyone has a story like this. But the truth is, I can't just let go of Jen. I can't make these feelings disappear and pretend that I don't care. You can't help who you fall in love with. In all honesty, I need Jen around. I would rather go through the tears, the heartbreak, the shittyness--than not have her in my life at all. I have never felt this way about a person before. And even though I know I should let go in order to save myself a life full of disappointment, I just can't. My heart can't.

In conclusion-
Jen,
I'll always cut fresh flowers for you.
I'll always make the wine cold for you.
I'll put on cologne.
I'll sit by the phone...for you.

Bienvenido ay Miami.

2007-08-14T22:17:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was obligated to have dinner with an "ex." I say obligated because she actually flew in from LA to hang out with me. She couldn't have picked a worse week. I am swamped with school (finals) and work. And to be honest, I'm not really a fan of hers.

I met Megan at a party last year. We hung out a couple of times and I thought things were going pretty well until she all of a sudden became OBSESSED with me. I hate the word "obsessed" because it just makes me sound like a conceited person, but seriously--homegirl was obsessed.

My friends refer to her as "fridge girl" because one night, I tried to offer her a drink at my place but realized my stash of beer in the main kitchen had already been gorged. The next morning, I woke up, and there sitting outside my door was my own mini-fridge with a note that said, "Now you can keep your own beer in your room." I thought this was a nice gesture but soon found out that accepting the fridge was now a contract to hang out with her all the time.

When I finally realized she was a bit too much for me I tried to break it off, and she was just not having it as an answer. It was months of tears and her telling me how much she loved me and how I would never find anyone like her again. Psh. She was just crazy...I wanted out.

Rewind to last night. So we haven't talked for awhile...just little emails here and there and random "I miss you" comments flood my inbox. So I thought it was a good chance to catch up and well--see if she was still psycho. We went to this cool sushi place, had some drinks, and it was surprisingly all going nice and smooth. Then all of a sudden--she breaks down crying. She tells me she is still madly in love with me and that she will never get over me. Mind you, it has been at least 6 months since I've last seen her and over 4 months since I've last had a "real" conversation with her.

Then she does the unthinkable. She busts out a print out copy of a plane ticket--to Miami. It's for a couple of weeks and she explains that it would just be a "fun" getaway for us to just "hang out." Are you fucking kidding me?!! Umm...how do I say this nicely...FUCK NO!!

And that is why you never accept a fridge from a girl.

I wonder how Miami is this time of the year...
...just kidding.

No More Ca$h.

2007-08-12T10:05:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to my favorite gay bar. Of course, the eye fucking immediately began. As I made eye contact with a cute girl on the dance floor, I got "the look." Every lesbian knows what "the look" is. It's the moment of eye fucking in which, without NO words, you get this sentence: "Meet me in the bathroom."

And so I did.

We started to make out. Before I got any further I wanted to know her name (maybe I should've asked before we started to make out). Here's how it went:

Me: Wait...so what's your name.
Her: Cash (in Eminem-gangsta-style tone)
Me: Excuse me? Did you say Cass?
Her: No! Cash. Like money...yeeeeeaaaaah.

And that is when I pushed her away. Ewwwwwwwww. Cash? Really?!! She probably spells it CA$H. Fuck Eminem...and "Cash."

I feel you in my heart, and I don’t even know you

2007-08-11T15:13:00.000-07:00

When I first realized I was in love with a girl, I did what every lesbian does—I bought a Tegan and Sara album. They spoke to my girl-loving heart. On their newest album (The Con), there’s a song called “Nineteen.” The lyrics go a little something like this:

I felt you in my legs

Before I even met you

And when I layed beside you

For the first time

I told you

I feel you in my heart,

And I don't even know you

I can honestly say this is exactly how I feel about Jen. I’ll even be shallow and say the first two lines is what made me curious.

Last summer, on my awesome internship, I was sent to California for a conference. At the time, I was getting over a “relationship.” I was kind of seeing a guy and he ended up moving to Atlanta to get his PhD. So when I was told I had to attend this stupid conference, I was not up for it. The conference was an all women’s blogging conference. Now I will never ever admit ever again that I was at the conference, but it turned out to be the most life changing experience.

After a hard day’s work, my coworkers and I went to the free cocktail party put on by the conference. One of my coworkers, who was openly lesbian, really wanted to get some ass. Yes, we were on the prowl. I mean, we’re at an all women’s blogging conference right? How hard could this be.

From about 30 feet away, I spot two girls who look like they can be “gay.” Now, I’m never the one to judge, but their Ellen-like haircuts, t-shirt and jeans look pretty much gave it away. I especially enjoyed the one with the hat. The one with the hat was Jen.

Jen took my breath away from the first moment I saw her. I immediately stopped breathing and had to release a huge sigh because I honestly felt something. I thought this “something” only happened in movies, but there I was—a “straight” girl experiencing love at first sight for the first time ever and even better—it was with another girl.

Although my initial goal was to get my coworker some ass, I ended up meeting the most influential person in my life. Since that day, I can honestly say that I know how it feels to love someone. I know how it feels to watch the person you love, love someone else. I know how it feels to feel every single emotion all at once. That’s what Jen did to me. And still does.

Let me get one thing straight—today, me and Jen are just friends. I consider her one of my best friends. Although we’ve only known each other for a year, I feel like I’ve known her my whole life. She has filled the void that has been missing. I doubt she will ever know how much I really love her, but fuuuuuck, do I love her so much. I wish words could describe the sensation I feel when I think about her.

But alas, timing is everything. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get this girl. I wonder if time takes bribes. I will talk about Jen a lot. She’s…she’s…the one. Everyone else is just to make the time pass by a little quicker. I’ve got my eye on the prize…everything else in between is just silly.

And so it goes.

2007-08-11T09:49:00.000-07:00

I guess I should start off by saying a little about myself. Although I'm ready to come out, I still want to keep this anonymous. As much as I'm ready to dawn the rainbow cape and be known as Captain Homo, I still want to keep the anonymity of the people [mostly girls] that I will be talking about.

I reign from a small town. And by small I mean Bush loving [the bad Bush, not the good bush], mostly White, upper middle class type of town. I had my life planned out for me as a child--be valedictorian, go to a top tier college, attend law school, meet a husband, pop out some children, and live happily ever heterosexual.

Well I was on my way...but things change. People change, right? I made it past high school [top honors of course], and got into that "top tier" college. Then I joined a sorority. WOW MOM WOW. I guess things started to feel "funny" when I enjoyed the sorority a little TOO much. After two years of being in the sorority, I started to change. And thus begins my journey to the labia.

I dropped the sorority after my sophomore year and spent the summer interning at a fancy corporate company as a marketing and partnership associate. With it, I was fortunate enough to travel the country--New York, Boston, San Francisco, everywhere. Most importantly, on one of those business trips, I met the girl who would forever change my life--Jen. You will hear more about her later. If I start on her, I will never be done.

So now here I am. "Out" for a year and being happier than ever. I'm living in an apartment with 2 dudes (apparently I'm a dude now too...), still have a fancy job, and finishing up my senior year to move away from the city and officially be with the girl I have always been in love with. A year ago I would never admit to even thinking about girls let alone moving to another state to be with one. But I have a good feeling about this.

Stay tuned. Girls = Drama fo' yo Mama. Girls = My Life. Therefore, My Life = Drama.