Carly always makes a good point

There's a song by Carly Simon called "Jesse." In the song, it talks about how she doesn't want this Jesse guy to come near her and she tells her friends that they absolutely can't allow him back in her life. So she lists off things she's no longer going to do for Jesse. "I won't cut fresh flowers for you/I won't make the wine cold for you/I won't change the sheets for you/I won't put on cologne/I won't wait by the phone for you." But in the middle of the song, she can't help but let Jesse back. Soon her lyrics change to "I'll always cut fresh flowers for you, etc." The best line in the song is "But how can anyone know what you are to me."

This weekend, Jen came up for a visit. I was supposed to go visit her in LA but I ended up cancelling my trip and she ended up coming up here. Everytime I see Jen I get extremely nervous. I can't describe my nervousness except explain how physically sick I get. My heart beats a million miles per hour, my palms are drenched in sweat and I always always puke. I don't know why, but it always happens.

From day one, Jen has always had this effect on me. Even when I'm talking on the phone with her, I choke up and don't know what to say. My voice squeals as if I'm a 13 year old boy going through puberty. But in the end--I always have the biggest smile on my face.

She makes me nervous. She still give me the butterflies. It's awesome.

Because I have such intense feelings for Jen, things tend to get kind of awkward. This weekend, I was convinced that I was over her. After days of talking to friends, I was sure that I could finally tell her that I was over her. I was over our "situation" and of the lack of respect and regards toward my feelings.

I came clean. I told her everything. I told her how I really felt and how I put her above everything in my life. I explained to her that I just could not go on anymore because my heart simply could not take any more disappointment and heartbreak. I was positive that I could go on and live my life without Jen.

...

I'm dumb.

I'm sure everyone has a story like this. But the truth is, I can't just let go of Jen. I can't make these feelings disappear and pretend that I don't care. You can't help who you fall in love with. In all honesty, I need Jen around. I would rather go through the tears, the heartbreak, the shittyness--than not have her in my life at all. I have never felt this way about a person before. And even though I know I should let go in order to save myself a life full of disappointment, I just can't. My heart can't.

In conclusion-
Jen,
I'll always cut fresh flowers for you.
I'll always make the wine cold for you.
I'll put on cologne.
I'll sit by the phone...for you.

Bienvenido ay Miami.

Last night, I was obligated to have dinner with an "ex." I say obligated because she actually flew in from LA to hang out with me. She couldn't have picked a worse week. I am swamped with school (finals) and work. And to be honest, I'm not really a fan of hers.

I met Megan at a party last year. We hung out a couple of times and I thought things were going pretty well until she all of a sudden became OBSESSED with me. I hate the word "obsessed" because it just makes me sound like a conceited person, but seriously--homegirl was obsessed.

My friends refer to her as "fridge girl" because one night, I tried to offer her a drink at my place but realized my stash of beer in the main kitchen had already been gorged. The next morning, I woke up, and there sitting outside my door was my own mini-fridge with a note that said, "Now you can keep your own beer in your room." I thought this was a nice gesture but soon found out that accepting the fridge was now a contract to hang out with her all the time.

When I finally realized she was a bit too much for me I tried to break it off, and she was just not having it as an answer. It was months of tears and her telling me how much she loved me and how I would never find anyone like her again. Psh. She was just crazy...I wanted out.

Rewind to last night. So we haven't talked for awhile...just little emails here and there and random "I miss you" comments flood my inbox. So I thought it was a good chance to catch up and well--see if she was still psycho. We went to this cool sushi place, had some drinks, and it was surprisingly all going nice and smooth. Then all of a sudden--she breaks down crying. She tells me she is still madly in love with me and that she will never get over me. Mind you, it has been at least 6 months since I've last seen her and over 4 months since I've last had a "real" conversation with her.

Then she does the unthinkable. She busts out a print out copy of a plane ticket--to Miami. It's for a couple of weeks and she explains that it would just be a "fun" getaway for us to just "hang out." Are you fucking kidding me?!! Umm...how do I say this nicely...FUCK NO!!

And that is why you never accept a fridge from a girl.


I wonder how Miami is this time of the year...
...just kidding.

No More Ca$h.

Last night I went to my favorite gay bar. Of course, the eye fucking immediately began. As I made eye contact with a cute girl on the dance floor, I got "the look." Every lesbian knows what "the look" is. It's the moment of eye fucking in which, without NO words, you get this sentence: "Meet me in the bathroom."

And so I did.

We started to make out. Before I got any further I wanted to know her name (maybe I should've asked before we started to make out). Here's how it went:

Me: Wait...so what's your name.
Her: Cash (in Eminem-gangsta-style tone)
Me: Excuse me? Did you say Cass?
Her: No! Cash. Like money...yeeeeeaaaaah.

And that is when I pushed her away. Ewwwwwwwww. Cash? Really?!! She probably spells it CA$H. Fuck Eminem...and "Cash."

I feel you in my heart, and I don’t even know you

When I first realized I was in love with a girl, I did what every lesbian does—I bought a Tegan and Sara album. They spoke to my girl-loving heart. On their newest album (The Con), there’s a song called “Nineteen.” The lyrics go a little something like this:

I felt you in my legs

Before I even met you

And when I layed beside you

For the first time

I told you

I feel you in my heart,

And I don't even know you

I can honestly say this is exactly how I feel about Jen. I’ll even be shallow and say the first two lines is what made me curious.

Last summer, on my awesome internship, I was sent to California for a conference. At the time, I was getting over a “relationship.” I was kind of seeing a guy and he ended up moving to Atlanta to get his PhD. So when I was told I had to attend this stupid conference, I was not up for it. The conference was an all women’s blogging conference. Now I will never ever admit ever again that I was at the conference, but it turned out to be the most life changing experience.

After a hard day’s work, my coworkers and I went to the free cocktail party put on by the conference. One of my coworkers, who was openly lesbian, really wanted to get some ass. Yes, we were on the prowl. I mean, we’re at an all women’s blogging conference right? How hard could this be.

From about 30 feet away, I spot two girls who look like they can be “gay.” Now, I’m never the one to judge, but their Ellen-like haircuts, t-shirt and jeans look pretty much gave it away. I especially enjoyed the one with the hat. The one with the hat was Jen.

Jen took my breath away from the first moment I saw her. I immediately stopped breathing and had to release a huge sigh because I honestly felt something. I thought this “something” only happened in movies, but there I was—a “straight” girl experiencing love at first sight for the first time ever and even better—it was with another girl.

Although my initial goal was to get my coworker some ass, I ended up meeting the most influential person in my life. Since that day, I can honestly say that I know how it feels to love someone. I know how it feels to watch the person you love, love someone else. I know how it feels to feel every single emotion all at once. That’s what Jen did to me. And still does.

Let me get one thing straight—today, me and Jen are just friends. I consider her one of my best friends. Although we’ve only known each other for a year, I feel like I’ve known her my whole life. She has filled the void that has been missing. I doubt she will ever know how much I really love her, but fuuuuuck, do I love her so much. I wish words could describe the sensation I feel when I think about her.

But alas, timing is everything. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get this girl. I wonder if time takes bribes. I will talk about Jen a lot. She’s…she’s…the one. Everyone else is just to make the time pass by a little quicker. I’ve got my eye on the prize…everything else in between is just silly.

And so it goes.

I guess I should start off by saying a little about myself. Although I'm ready to come out, I still want to keep this anonymous. As much as I'm ready to dawn the rainbow cape and be known as Captain Homo, I still want to keep the anonymity of the people [mostly girls] that I will be talking about.

I reign from a small town. And by small I mean Bush loving [the bad Bush, not the good bush], mostly White, upper middle class type of town. I had my life planned out for me as a child--be valedictorian, go to a top tier college, attend law school, meet a husband, pop out some children, and live happily ever heterosexual.

Well I was on my way...but things change. People change, right? I made it past high school [top honors of course], and got into that "top tier" college. Then I joined a sorority. WOW MOM WOW. I guess things started to feel "funny" when I enjoyed the sorority a little TOO much. After two years of being in the sorority, I started to change. And thus begins my journey to the labia.

I dropped the sorority after my sophomore year and spent the summer interning at a fancy corporate company as a marketing and partnership associate. With it, I was fortunate enough to travel the country--New York, Boston, San Francisco, everywhere. Most importantly, on one of those business trips, I met the girl who would forever change my life--Jen. You will hear more about her later. If I start on her, I will never be done.

So now here I am. "Out" for a year and being happier than ever. I'm living in an apartment with 2 dudes (apparently I'm a dude now too...), still have a fancy job, and finishing up my senior year to move away from the city and officially be with the girl I have always been in love with. A year ago I would never admit to even thinking about girls let alone moving to another state to be with one. But I have a good feeling about this.

Stay tuned. Girls = Drama fo' yo Mama. Girls = My Life. Therefore, My Life = Drama.