Apparently it's not the end...yet.

There's a cliche when it comes to lesbians. Of course there's the "u-haul girlfriend" where 2 lesbians meet and immediate fall "in love" and within weeks, one is moving in with their pet cat in tow. But there's another cliche that I'm finding to be very true these days. And that is the one in which it takes several attempts and even more time (maybe even years) to break up.

And that is how I feel like me and Jen will be like forever.

As I mentioned before, Jen has/had a girlfriend. I recently went to LA to attend a concert (cough cough Spice Girls cough cough), and it was inevitable that I was going to see Jen. I kept telling my friends and myself that I was not going to see her. In fact, I really kind of didn't. The new girl I'm kind of seeing was worried. Alice, without making it obvious that she was mad, asked if I was going to see Jen. I told her that I wasn't sure. But that I would try hard to avoid the whole situation.

Well...I definitely saw Jen.

The thing is--everything was fine. We are always fine when we see each other. No matter how fucked up our situation is, we always have fun and we're always laughing. We talked. We talked about us. We talked about our new "girlfriends." She then informed me that she was breaking up with hers. She said she wasn't ready to be in a hardcore relationship.

So I left LA feeling new emotions for Jen. I didn't hate her. In fact, I realized how happy she made me. And how I was glad to still have her part of my life.

I don't know what our next step is going to be. Maybe we'll be friends for a bit. I don't know. She confuses me. Alice confuses me. I just need some time I guess.

Sigh.

Anxiety?

So I've been kind of hanging out with this girl.

I met her a couple of weeks ago at a concert. I convinced my friend to go up to her and get her name. Later, we started talking and I asked her out on a date.

We've been inseperable ever since. In the past two weeks, she has pretty much lived in my house, my roommates are no longer surprised to see her on the couch when they get home from work, we make dinner together, and she officially survived a house party we threw (where she met all of my friends).

This leads me to feel pretty fucking nervous and anxious all the time.

I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to meet someone and fall for her. I didn't want to fall into the same trap I did with Jen. Especially so fast.

To be honest, I'm scared. And I think it's starting to show. I'm not the jealous type--I have my moments, but usually I stay calm and collected. But last night was BAD. And by bad I mean AWKWARD. I guess she kind of has an "open relationship" with someone and that girl found out about me and has been making new girl feel guilty. So last night while we were hanging out, she told me she had to go to the other girl's house to talk.

I'm not a fucking idiot. I know what "talking" leads to. Especially with two lesbians.

So I was definitely NOT happy.

All of this made got me thinking. I don't think I'm ready. I'm actually really fucking scared now. I am not the type of person to easily fall for girls. In fact, I get asked to be committed all of the time, but I refuse to do it. So it's rare that I have such intense feelings. It's weird that I actually "hang out" with this girl rather than just meet her and pull the "hump her/dump her" routine.

I guess in the end, I'm just scared. And confused as fuck. I have no idea how to handle this without being too emotionally involved. God am I scared.

-enter heavy breathing-

The End.

I recently found out that Jen has a new girlfriend. We hadn't talked for awhile, which is rare, but I still didn't think it would be because she had a new girlfriend. I just figured she was too busy with work or something.

So I got an IM from her (so middle school btw). She told me she had something to tell me. Mind you, I am flying out to LA next week, so I quickly got worried. She then broke the news that she was in a relationship. She couldn't even fucking say she had a new girlfriend or that she was seeing someone else. She said, "I'm in a relationship now."

Then the cunt decided to give me details about how it went down expecting me to say "Awwww" at the end.

To be honest, initially I wasn't sad. I wasn't mad. My heart definitely sank a little. But then I remembered that I kind of had someone too. In fact, I had just spent the whole weekend in bed with someone else. And I was about to leave to pick her up for lunch.

I immediately called my friend up in which he responded with the following:
"You know what they say, it's easier to get over someone when you're under somebody else."

True dat.

But today, I woke up and I can't describe how I was feeling. There was an emptiness inside of me. A feeling that finally told me it was the end. I immediately broke down and started crying. My emo mix was quickly turned up and I just sat in my bed thinking about all I had been through with Jen. Then I removed every picture I could find of her from my room. I took down little notes she had written, concert tickets we had been too, plane tickets I had collected from every time I flew out to see her (there were over 20 total...), and finally I took down the framed picture of the first night we met.

She was the one that made everything so clear. And for the first time I wished I had never met her.

I don't really know what to think right now. My feelings are at a standpoint. Here I am kind of dating someone who is fucking rad but all I can do is think about Jen. I'm supposed to meet my new girl for dinner. But I would rather sit in my room and listen to cheesy break up songs. All I can do now is ask myself, "Now what?"

Breaking up is hard to do.

So LA

A year ago around this time, one of my LA friends came for a visit. He's your typical celeb moocher--doesn't have a job, is still working on his "album" (it has already been 4 years...), and basically lives off his uber famous friend. Because of this, he constantly has VIP passes to any club, the best table at every restaurant, a constant stash of the best drugs and alcohol one can have, and the best part--being in the background of every paparazzi picture. What a life.

So when he came to visit, he invited me to his hotel for a little "get together." This get together had over 100 people. I arrived with a buddy of mine and we made our spot on the couch. Pretty soon, my friend comes in with a girl and tells her, "This is my friend I was talking about." I looked at her--she looks REALLY familiar. Where have I seen her before...

She sits down next to me and I realize who it is. Everyone knows who it is. She's famous. She's been in a few d-list movies and one really big TV show. So we're talking...I find out she's filming a movie in the city I live. She keeps brushing her hands on my legs. This is when I down my cocktail and look at my friend in the "What the fuck do I do" way.

I finally stand up and tell her I need to be heading out. It was just highly weird. I gave her my number and tell her to call me if she gets bored. When I get home, I immediately google her name and "lesbian." Yup, there have been suspicions. I should've known. Perez is always right.

The next day I get a text from actress. She asks me if I know of any good places to eat (I chuckled a bit...). I recommended my favorite sushi joint to which she asked me to join her. Later that night we met up and ate dinner and drank lots of wine. I asked her why she hasn't come out and she tells me she's just "having fun."

The night ends with more "having fun." She had the most amazing body I had ever seen and touched. Almost as if it was from the movies...oh wait.

We rarely speak these days. I get a few emails here and there just asking how I'm doing. In fact, I haven't seen her since that night. Perez still has his suspicions and the paparazzi has caught her several times with the same "girl." Well Perez--you're right. 100% correct. She's such a homo and I hope she's on the cover of People one day with the headline, "I'm Gay!" As for me, she ended up not being the only "celebrity" I hooked up with. But definitely a story for the books...

Out with the old, in with the older?

I recently just came out at work. Which was awkward considering about 4 guys from work asked me out. I would always make up excuses like, "I have other plans," or "I have to wash my hair." But I really wanted to say was "I like pussy." Haha, I could just imagine what their faces would've been like if I just said that out loud.

At my job we have random designers come in to try to "inspire" us. Last week was no different. The woman that showed up looked like a character from the L Word. She was wearing a sweater with her collared shirt sticking out, jeans tucked into her boots, and perhaps it was her haircut that gave it away--blonde and spiked, dying to yell out "DYKE!"

After she gave her little talk, I went back to my desk. A few minutes later I get a page from my boss telling me to return to the conference room. She tells me she has someone that wants to meet me.

It was the designer.

So...picture this. I get left ALONE in the CONFERENCE ROOM with a 38 YEAR OLD famous designer at WORK. As my boss leaves the room she gives me a little wink. Wow.

So designer chick asks me out. She says she's only in town for a couple of days and wants to "grab a drink." I say yes. I figure it's free drinks. Plus, she's kind of hot. And what the hell, I have nothing else to do.

We grab some drinks. As I'm getting more and more "buzzed" (I lie, I was actually wasted by now), she asks me to go to her hotel room to watch some TV. Again, I say yes. Only because I want to sober up, I swear!

Turns out 38 year old women are kind of cool. That's all I'll say about that.

I guess she got offered a teaching position at a local community college. She says she'll be here for at least 3 months. Teacher? Hmm...this is too easy.

Call it off.

There's a Tegan and Sara song called "Call it off." The lyrics go a little something like this:

I won't regret saying this
This thing that I'm saying
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case I go there
Everyday, to make myself feel bad
There's a chance that
I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to

The part that gets me is the "Maye I would have been something you'd be good at."

I've reached the stage where I think I just need to call things off with Jen. I look at my last post and it's ironic that it has come to this. But...I think it's time to go on.

For some reason, it feels ok.

And I'm fine with ok.

Happily Ever After?

So Jen is in town visiting...

I've been highly stressed out lately--trying to find a new place to live, school, job. I reached my peak last week when we talked on the phone and she asked what would make me happy. I told her all I needed was to see her. And poke her.

So she came up. She's only here for a day (has to go back to work and is heading home for a week's vacation). But I can't help but get all giddy that she came up.

We went out to dinner downtown then back to her hotel for a bottle of wine. Granted we were pretty drunk, but the conversation we were having literally put a smile on my face...and my heart. Wow that sounded gay.

We talked about having kids...I know...that's pretty big. And we talked about where we wanted to live. We talked about our careers, our families--our future. I have a future. And even better, it's with Jen. It's so crazy how everything bad turns good for a few hours. All of a sudden I didn't have a single thing to worry about.

She wants to come back soon. She might even spend Thanksgiving up here...meet the mom. Wowzers.

This is such a boring post. Yet it's so major. I can't even talk right now. Absolutely speechless.





No more other girls. I don't want to play games anymore. I just want Jen.

Sleeping pills, Schleeping pills.

I've been highly stressed out lately. This has led me to lie awake at night, constantly turning and finally falling asleep a good two hours before my alarm clock has to go off. I was getting sick and literally tired of this horrible sleeping schedule, so I went to the doctor.

Her answer was: Ambien.

Ambien is a well known and perhaps one of the strongest sleeping pills today. This little white pill works like a charm. Within 15 minutes I am most likely fast asleep and I wake up feeling refreshed and well rested.

So...last night I took an Ambien before heading to bed. Earlier, I went out and had a few glasses of wine but was ready to turn in early. I'm not sure if "waking up next to girls" is a side effect, but that's exactly what happened.

I took the Ambien. And in my "dreams" I kept dreaming I was texting this girl Amanda. Next thing I know--I wake up to start my day at 7 am. I reach for my cellphone to turn off my alarm but there's someone in my way. !!! Amanda is in my bed. Oh.My.God.

So...I don't know what happened. I don't think I want to know. Does it sound crazy that if I told you I was asleep the WHOLE time? Because I was. I was dead asleep.

This morning I got a text from Amanda saying, "Last night was fun. What are you doing tonight?"

Gulp. I don't know, sleeping?

One for the books

Last night was insane. I don't say that often these days. I guess it's because I work everyday and hardly get to go out. Last night was an exception. My friends and I decided to go a local Burlesque show. I used to go all the time...I'm a big fan of the queens.

The drinking begins. By the time the show had started I had had 3 cocktails and 3 shots. I was feeling good. During the show, a waitress comes around and takes orders for drinks. The waitress that served us looked familiar...

I remembered her...boobs. And that ass.

Almost a year ago, I had watched the same show. She was also our waitress. I of course got tanked and kept feeding the waitress shots. We ended up "bumping" into each other in the bathroom. It was a mind blowing 20 minutes. I kissed her goodbye and left thinking, "Did that really happen?!"

Since then, I would eat at the restaurant she worked at and we would just awkwardly ignore each other. Last night was no exception. We pretended to not know each other. But throughout the show I would catch little smirks and glances from her. When she would hand me a drink I would feel her hand brush up on mine.

After paying my $190 bill I was feeling gooooooood. And waitress looked fucking hot. We finally shared the eyefucking glance and I knew what was coming (no pun intended). We took Liquid Cocaine shots (I felt like SHIT this morning), but the little bit of liquid courage allowed for some pretty good times. Apparently I really like bathrooms. Good times. And this time--I got her number.

Carly always makes a good point

There's a song by Carly Simon called "Jesse." In the song, it talks about how she doesn't want this Jesse guy to come near her and she tells her friends that they absolutely can't allow him back in her life. So she lists off things she's no longer going to do for Jesse. "I won't cut fresh flowers for you/I won't make the wine cold for you/I won't change the sheets for you/I won't put on cologne/I won't wait by the phone for you." But in the middle of the song, she can't help but let Jesse back. Soon her lyrics change to "I'll always cut fresh flowers for you, etc." The best line in the song is "But how can anyone know what you are to me."

This weekend, Jen came up for a visit. I was supposed to go visit her in LA but I ended up cancelling my trip and she ended up coming up here. Everytime I see Jen I get extremely nervous. I can't describe my nervousness except explain how physically sick I get. My heart beats a million miles per hour, my palms are drenched in sweat and I always always puke. I don't know why, but it always happens.

From day one, Jen has always had this effect on me. Even when I'm talking on the phone with her, I choke up and don't know what to say. My voice squeals as if I'm a 13 year old boy going through puberty. But in the end--I always have the biggest smile on my face.

She makes me nervous. She still give me the butterflies. It's awesome.

Because I have such intense feelings for Jen, things tend to get kind of awkward. This weekend, I was convinced that I was over her. After days of talking to friends, I was sure that I could finally tell her that I was over her. I was over our "situation" and of the lack of respect and regards toward my feelings.

I came clean. I told her everything. I told her how I really felt and how I put her above everything in my life. I explained to her that I just could not go on anymore because my heart simply could not take any more disappointment and heartbreak. I was positive that I could go on and live my life without Jen.

...

I'm dumb.

I'm sure everyone has a story like this. But the truth is, I can't just let go of Jen. I can't make these feelings disappear and pretend that I don't care. You can't help who you fall in love with. In all honesty, I need Jen around. I would rather go through the tears, the heartbreak, the shittyness--than not have her in my life at all. I have never felt this way about a person before. And even though I know I should let go in order to save myself a life full of disappointment, I just can't. My heart can't.

In conclusion-
Jen,
I'll always cut fresh flowers for you.
I'll always make the wine cold for you.
I'll put on cologne.
I'll sit by the phone...for you.

Bienvenido ay Miami.

Last night, I was obligated to have dinner with an "ex." I say obligated because she actually flew in from LA to hang out with me. She couldn't have picked a worse week. I am swamped with school (finals) and work. And to be honest, I'm not really a fan of hers.

I met Megan at a party last year. We hung out a couple of times and I thought things were going pretty well until she all of a sudden became OBSESSED with me. I hate the word "obsessed" because it just makes me sound like a conceited person, but seriously--homegirl was obsessed.

My friends refer to her as "fridge girl" because one night, I tried to offer her a drink at my place but realized my stash of beer in the main kitchen had already been gorged. The next morning, I woke up, and there sitting outside my door was my own mini-fridge with a note that said, "Now you can keep your own beer in your room." I thought this was a nice gesture but soon found out that accepting the fridge was now a contract to hang out with her all the time.

When I finally realized she was a bit too much for me I tried to break it off, and she was just not having it as an answer. It was months of tears and her telling me how much she loved me and how I would never find anyone like her again. Psh. She was just crazy...I wanted out.

Rewind to last night. So we haven't talked for awhile...just little emails here and there and random "I miss you" comments flood my inbox. So I thought it was a good chance to catch up and well--see if she was still psycho. We went to this cool sushi place, had some drinks, and it was surprisingly all going nice and smooth. Then all of a sudden--she breaks down crying. She tells me she is still madly in love with me and that she will never get over me. Mind you, it has been at least 6 months since I've last seen her and over 4 months since I've last had a "real" conversation with her.

Then she does the unthinkable. She busts out a print out copy of a plane ticket--to Miami. It's for a couple of weeks and she explains that it would just be a "fun" getaway for us to just "hang out." Are you fucking kidding me?!! Umm...how do I say this nicely...FUCK NO!!

And that is why you never accept a fridge from a girl.


I wonder how Miami is this time of the year...
...just kidding.

No More Ca$h.

Last night I went to my favorite gay bar. Of course, the eye fucking immediately began. As I made eye contact with a cute girl on the dance floor, I got "the look." Every lesbian knows what "the look" is. It's the moment of eye fucking in which, without NO words, you get this sentence: "Meet me in the bathroom."

And so I did.

We started to make out. Before I got any further I wanted to know her name (maybe I should've asked before we started to make out). Here's how it went:

Me: Wait...so what's your name.
Her: Cash (in Eminem-gangsta-style tone)
Me: Excuse me? Did you say Cass?
Her: No! Cash. Like money...yeeeeeaaaaah.

And that is when I pushed her away. Ewwwwwwwww. Cash? Really?!! She probably spells it CA$H. Fuck Eminem...and "Cash."

I feel you in my heart, and I don’t even know you

When I first realized I was in love with a girl, I did what every lesbian does—I bought a Tegan and Sara album. They spoke to my girl-loving heart. On their newest album (The Con), there’s a song called “Nineteen.” The lyrics go a little something like this:

I felt you in my legs

Before I even met you

And when I layed beside you

For the first time

I told you

I feel you in my heart,

And I don't even know you

I can honestly say this is exactly how I feel about Jen. I’ll even be shallow and say the first two lines is what made me curious.

Last summer, on my awesome internship, I was sent to California for a conference. At the time, I was getting over a “relationship.” I was kind of seeing a guy and he ended up moving to Atlanta to get his PhD. So when I was told I had to attend this stupid conference, I was not up for it. The conference was an all women’s blogging conference. Now I will never ever admit ever again that I was at the conference, but it turned out to be the most life changing experience.

After a hard day’s work, my coworkers and I went to the free cocktail party put on by the conference. One of my coworkers, who was openly lesbian, really wanted to get some ass. Yes, we were on the prowl. I mean, we’re at an all women’s blogging conference right? How hard could this be.

From about 30 feet away, I spot two girls who look like they can be “gay.” Now, I’m never the one to judge, but their Ellen-like haircuts, t-shirt and jeans look pretty much gave it away. I especially enjoyed the one with the hat. The one with the hat was Jen.

Jen took my breath away from the first moment I saw her. I immediately stopped breathing and had to release a huge sigh because I honestly felt something. I thought this “something” only happened in movies, but there I was—a “straight” girl experiencing love at first sight for the first time ever and even better—it was with another girl.

Although my initial goal was to get my coworker some ass, I ended up meeting the most influential person in my life. Since that day, I can honestly say that I know how it feels to love someone. I know how it feels to watch the person you love, love someone else. I know how it feels to feel every single emotion all at once. That’s what Jen did to me. And still does.

Let me get one thing straight—today, me and Jen are just friends. I consider her one of my best friends. Although we’ve only known each other for a year, I feel like I’ve known her my whole life. She has filled the void that has been missing. I doubt she will ever know how much I really love her, but fuuuuuck, do I love her so much. I wish words could describe the sensation I feel when I think about her.

But alas, timing is everything. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get this girl. I wonder if time takes bribes. I will talk about Jen a lot. She’s…she’s…the one. Everyone else is just to make the time pass by a little quicker. I’ve got my eye on the prize…everything else in between is just silly.

And so it goes.

I guess I should start off by saying a little about myself. Although I'm ready to come out, I still want to keep this anonymous. As much as I'm ready to dawn the rainbow cape and be known as Captain Homo, I still want to keep the anonymity of the people [mostly girls] that I will be talking about.

I reign from a small town. And by small I mean Bush loving [the bad Bush, not the good bush], mostly White, upper middle class type of town. I had my life planned out for me as a child--be valedictorian, go to a top tier college, attend law school, meet a husband, pop out some children, and live happily ever heterosexual.

Well I was on my way...but things change. People change, right? I made it past high school [top honors of course], and got into that "top tier" college. Then I joined a sorority. WOW MOM WOW. I guess things started to feel "funny" when I enjoyed the sorority a little TOO much. After two years of being in the sorority, I started to change. And thus begins my journey to the labia.

I dropped the sorority after my sophomore year and spent the summer interning at a fancy corporate company as a marketing and partnership associate. With it, I was fortunate enough to travel the country--New York, Boston, San Francisco, everywhere. Most importantly, on one of those business trips, I met the girl who would forever change my life--Jen. You will hear more about her later. If I start on her, I will never be done.

So now here I am. "Out" for a year and being happier than ever. I'm living in an apartment with 2 dudes (apparently I'm a dude now too...), still have a fancy job, and finishing up my senior year to move away from the city and officially be with the girl I have always been in love with. A year ago I would never admit to even thinking about girls let alone moving to another state to be with one. But I have a good feeling about this.

Stay tuned. Girls = Drama fo' yo Mama. Girls = My Life. Therefore, My Life = Drama.