Carly always makes a good point

There's a song by Carly Simon called "Jesse." In the song, it talks about how she doesn't want this Jesse guy to come near her and she tells her friends that they absolutely can't allow him back in her life. So she lists off things she's no longer going to do for Jesse. "I won't cut fresh flowers for you/I won't make the wine cold for you/I won't change the sheets for you/I won't put on cologne/I won't wait by the phone for you." But in the middle of the song, she can't help but let Jesse back. Soon her lyrics change to "I'll always cut fresh flowers for you, etc." The best line in the song is "But how can anyone know what you are to me."

This weekend, Jen came up for a visit. I was supposed to go visit her in LA but I ended up cancelling my trip and she ended up coming up here. Everytime I see Jen I get extremely nervous. I can't describe my nervousness except explain how physically sick I get. My heart beats a million miles per hour, my palms are drenched in sweat and I always always puke. I don't know why, but it always happens.

From day one, Jen has always had this effect on me. Even when I'm talking on the phone with her, I choke up and don't know what to say. My voice squeals as if I'm a 13 year old boy going through puberty. But in the end--I always have the biggest smile on my face.

She makes me nervous. She still give me the butterflies. It's awesome.

Because I have such intense feelings for Jen, things tend to get kind of awkward. This weekend, I was convinced that I was over her. After days of talking to friends, I was sure that I could finally tell her that I was over her. I was over our "situation" and of the lack of respect and regards toward my feelings.

I came clean. I told her everything. I told her how I really felt and how I put her above everything in my life. I explained to her that I just could not go on anymore because my heart simply could not take any more disappointment and heartbreak. I was positive that I could go on and live my life without Jen.

...

I'm dumb.

I'm sure everyone has a story like this. But the truth is, I can't just let go of Jen. I can't make these feelings disappear and pretend that I don't care. You can't help who you fall in love with. In all honesty, I need Jen around. I would rather go through the tears, the heartbreak, the shittyness--than not have her in my life at all. I have never felt this way about a person before. And even though I know I should let go in order to save myself a life full of disappointment, I just can't. My heart can't.

In conclusion-
Jen,
I'll always cut fresh flowers for you.
I'll always make the wine cold for you.
I'll put on cologne.
I'll sit by the phone...for you.