Leaving Los Angeles

There was a time when I would come to LA once a month. It was my happland. More importantly, it was Jen. Jen lives in LA. And she was always my excuse for visiting. Yesterday I left Los Angeles. But it felt different. It felt different because I didn't make plans seeing her again. It's the first time we said goodbye and that's it. No "See you in a couple of weeks."

There's something surreal about saying goodbye to her. She changed my life. She will always be part of me.

We had one last night together. Everything felt so comfortable even though we knew what was going to happen later. We stayed up, listened to the album we first had sex to (you can never go wrong with Arcade Fire...).

And if the snow buries my
my neighbourhood.
And if my parents are crying
then I'll dig a tunnel
from my window to yours,
yeah a tunnel from my window to yours.

We held each other and cried. No words were spoken. The only thing I can hear were our hearts beating. And breaking.

I gave back the ring she gave me for our first year anniversary. A silver band with one encrusted diamond in it. I left it on her bed stand when I woke up. I just want things to be okay, but we are not together anymore. I don't feel comfortable wearing a promise ring, which I've already broken.

So yesterday I left LA.
Yesterday I left Jen.

As I sat in the airport, I found myself staring down at my hand. There was no ring to fidget with anymore. All that was left was a tan line from months of fighting, loving, fighting. And eventually that will fade away...like everything else.

I feel bad.

It's weird liking someone that isn't Jen. I'm scared of how I feel for Lindsey. I just gave up Jen. I should be feeling remorse and guilt, but all I can think about is Lindsey's smile lines, her soft skin, her morning smells.

It's weird loving someone who isn't Jen.

...

I’ve been going crazy lately. I haven’t seen this side of me in a long time. I can’t help but be drawn into you. It’s weird how things are working out. That first night we hooked up, I remember looking into your eyes and you asked me if I was sure. For the first time in a long time, I had never been surer. I went in for the kiss and as my eyes were closed feelings that I had held for years came pouring out into that one moment, into that one kiss. I knew from that moment on, that things would never be the same again. It was such a relief.

The truth is I’ve felt this way for a long time. I know you probably thought you were never on the main stage, but you were always in the back of my mind. It hurts sometimes because I don’t think you feel the same way. And I want to give all of myself to you. I want to break down my walls for you. I want you to see me for what I am. I want you to know how I really feel. But there are just no words to describe how I feel when I’m around you.

You have a way of making me feel incredibly nervous. You always say I’m warm, but it’s only because you’re next to me, touching and holding me. Every time I look into your eyes I am on the verge of tears because of how happy you make me. And when I wake up next to you in the morning, I automatically know everything will be ok.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I sometimes don’t know how to tell you how I really feel. My actions are merely reflections of how flustered I get when it comes to you. I want to be good for you. And I’m working really hard to gain your faith in me—in us. I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t know where we’ll be in 3 days or a week. All I know is how I feel at this very moment. And that is enough to keep me going. It’s enough to wake up in the morning and put a smile on my face, because there’s a chance I’ll see you today. That is all I look forward to.