Leaving Los Angeles

There was a time when I would come to LA once a month. It was my happland. More importantly, it was Jen. Jen lives in LA. And she was always my excuse for visiting. Yesterday I left Los Angeles. But it felt different. It felt different because I didn't make plans seeing her again. It's the first time we said goodbye and that's it. No "See you in a couple of weeks."

There's something surreal about saying goodbye to her. She changed my life. She will always be part of me.

We had one last night together. Everything felt so comfortable even though we knew what was going to happen later. We stayed up, listened to the album we first had sex to (you can never go wrong with Arcade Fire...).

And if the snow buries my
my neighbourhood.
And if my parents are crying
then I'll dig a tunnel
from my window to yours,
yeah a tunnel from my window to yours.

We held each other and cried. No words were spoken. The only thing I can hear were our hearts beating. And breaking.

I gave back the ring she gave me for our first year anniversary. A silver band with one encrusted diamond in it. I left it on her bed stand when I woke up. I just want things to be okay, but we are not together anymore. I don't feel comfortable wearing a promise ring, which I've already broken.

So yesterday I left LA.
Yesterday I left Jen.

As I sat in the airport, I found myself staring down at my hand. There was no ring to fidget with anymore. All that was left was a tan line from months of fighting, loving, fighting. And eventually that will fade away...like everything else.

I feel bad.

It's weird liking someone that isn't Jen. I'm scared of how I feel for Lindsey. I just gave up Jen. I should be feeling remorse and guilt, but all I can think about is Lindsey's smile lines, her soft skin, her morning smells.

It's weird loving someone who isn't Jen.