Leaving Los Angeles

There was a time when I would come to LA once a month. It was my happland. More importantly, it was Jen. Jen lives in LA. And she was always my excuse for visiting. Yesterday I left Los Angeles. But it felt different. It felt different because I didn't make plans seeing her again. It's the first time we said goodbye and that's it. No "See you in a couple of weeks."

There's something surreal about saying goodbye to her. She changed my life. She will always be part of me.

We had one last night together. Everything felt so comfortable even though we knew what was going to happen later. We stayed up, listened to the album we first had sex to (you can never go wrong with Arcade Fire...).

And if the snow buries my
my neighbourhood.
And if my parents are crying
then I'll dig a tunnel
from my window to yours,
yeah a tunnel from my window to yours.

We held each other and cried. No words were spoken. The only thing I can hear were our hearts beating. And breaking.

I gave back the ring she gave me for our first year anniversary. A silver band with one encrusted diamond in it. I left it on her bed stand when I woke up. I just want things to be okay, but we are not together anymore. I don't feel comfortable wearing a promise ring, which I've already broken.

So yesterday I left LA.
Yesterday I left Jen.

As I sat in the airport, I found myself staring down at my hand. There was no ring to fidget with anymore. All that was left was a tan line from months of fighting, loving, fighting. And eventually that will fade away...like everything else.

I feel bad.

It's weird liking someone that isn't Jen. I'm scared of how I feel for Lindsey. I just gave up Jen. I should be feeling remorse and guilt, but all I can think about is Lindsey's smile lines, her soft skin, her morning smells.

It's weird loving someone who isn't Jen.

...

I’ve been going crazy lately. I haven’t seen this side of me in a long time. I can’t help but be drawn into you. It’s weird how things are working out. That first night we hooked up, I remember looking into your eyes and you asked me if I was sure. For the first time in a long time, I had never been surer. I went in for the kiss and as my eyes were closed feelings that I had held for years came pouring out into that one moment, into that one kiss. I knew from that moment on, that things would never be the same again. It was such a relief.

The truth is I’ve felt this way for a long time. I know you probably thought you were never on the main stage, but you were always in the back of my mind. It hurts sometimes because I don’t think you feel the same way. And I want to give all of myself to you. I want to break down my walls for you. I want you to see me for what I am. I want you to know how I really feel. But there are just no words to describe how I feel when I’m around you.

You have a way of making me feel incredibly nervous. You always say I’m warm, but it’s only because you’re next to me, touching and holding me. Every time I look into your eyes I am on the verge of tears because of how happy you make me. And when I wake up next to you in the morning, I automatically know everything will be ok.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I sometimes don’t know how to tell you how I really feel. My actions are merely reflections of how flustered I get when it comes to you. I want to be good for you. And I’m working really hard to gain your faith in me—in us. I don’t know where we’re going. I don’t know where we’ll be in 3 days or a week. All I know is how I feel at this very moment. And that is enough to keep me going. It’s enough to wake up in the morning and put a smile on my face, because there’s a chance I’ll see you today. That is all I look forward to.

I am a douchebag.

I have a really really bad problem. When I really like someone...I'm a douchebag. And that is exactly what is going on right now.

I feel so very very bad for Lindsey right now. You can say that we "fight"...a lot. And in public. And in front of our friends. I don't know why I do it. All I can say is that I'm trying to be "cute" but really, I know that she is just getting annoyed.

I apologized to Lindsey after making a d-bag move on Friday. I bought her a card and wrote a cute little note (not cheesy, but not lovey dovey gay). Things were good. Then...I had to open my fucking mouth and say something stupid.

I don't know why I do this! I really like her. But it's hard. My friends say I have trust issues. And although I don't mean to be a cunt, I end up coming off really defensive and a Rude's Chris Steakhouse.

I'm sick of playing this game with her. I really am.

Link up!

I decided yesterday that I want a girlfriend who owns a Nintendo DS so we can be cute and link up in public.

Yup.

Yup.

All of my friends call Lindsey "Straight Girl." SG for short.

Haha.

It used to bug me, but now I'm just used to it. Is that bad? It's really funny because if you saw Lindsey you would never think I would like her. We're really different. And she's different from any girl I've liked/dated. I definitely go for witty girls. But Lindsey isn't your typical "witty." She doesn't crack jokes here and there. She's has this way of saying things without knowing how incredibly adorable and funny she's being.

For example...

The other night I had to let her borrow my very old vacuum cleaner. This poor thing barely works. You definitely have to be patient with it. I warned Lindsey about it but I also already knew she would probably get annoyed.

So after a night of drinking she decides to try to use the vacuum. Because it's old and doesn't really work, of course she got frustrated. So she takes two lint cleaners and gets down on all fours and starts "linting" her carpet.

I really wanted to make fun of her but all I can do was smile. So adorable. She makes me smile. In other words...I'm fucked.

Wish me luck.

Jen has a twin

Over a year ago, my friend called me up one day and said, "Oh my god, Jen has a twin that lives in Seattle. I just ordered coffee from this girl that looks exactly like Jen! You have to see her." Two days later, my roommate texted me that "Jen" was in his store buying clothes. Since then I receive texts/calls from friends with their Jen sightings in Seattle. I've never ran into her...until recently.

I was sitting at the local lesbo bar (the only one) and in walks "Jen." My jaw literally dropped. My friend I was with immediately yelled, "Oh my god! That girl looks exactly like..." Before she can finish her sentence my heart started racing. I immediately had to go outside for a cigarette. The whole night I stared at her.

Since then, I'll see "Jen" driving, walking around my 'hood, etc. But I never had the balls to say hi. I think there's something creepy going up to someone and saying, "You look exactly like the girl I'm in love with. Wanna go out sometime?"

So fast forward to yesterday. My roomie and I decide to go shopping and stop at a vintage store. As I'm driving there I see "Jen" walking. I freak out a little hoping she's going into the same store we are. After parking, we step into the store and I immediately see her. My heart is racing. I'm feeling everything I feel whenever I see Jen. Everyone is telling me to say hi, but I just freeze and can't get this silly grin off my face. Alas, she leaves and I'm left with the hope I'll run into her again.

So last night, my friend and I decide to go to a lesbian night that happens once a month. I hate going to these. There's nothing more disturbing than a bunch of horny lesbians accidently running into you and then girls you would never call giving you the stink eye. But my night got significantly better when I saw "Jen."

And this is when the liquid courage made an appearance.

I finally get the cajones to go up to her. My friend tells me that within 10 minutes of learning her name, we were making out. I find out her name is Joelle. She's just as dorky, quirky, and incredibly adorable as Jen. Kissing her was almost like kissing Jen. It's all a bit creepy, but fuck I wanted her to be Jen so much.

At this point I don't really know how to feel. I woke up next her in the morning and all I can feel was this urge to call Jen and tell her how much I miss and love her. I've never been more confused than I am at this very moment.

I miss her. I'll always miss her.

Nothing worse.

There is probably nothing worse than falling for a straight girl if you're a lesbian.

I always thought it was ridiculous for my lesbian friends to fall for straight girls. I mean, every lesbian hooks up with straight girls. But you never fall for them. Doy. It's like setting yourself up for heartbreak and embarassment. So I always try my best to stay away.

But alas,

I have fallen for a straight girl.

And I'm hitting myself in the head right now. Hard. I don't know how it happened. Maybe it was in the works for awhile but now it's too late. And I can't get her out of my head. I have never wanted so badly to have a penis. Hmm...maybe I'll just go to Castle and buy one. Ha.

Dammit.