Jen has a twin

Over a year ago, my friend called me up one day and said, "Oh my god, Jen has a twin that lives in Seattle. I just ordered coffee from this girl that looks exactly like Jen! You have to see her." Two days later, my roommate texted me that "Jen" was in his store buying clothes. Since then I receive texts/calls from friends with their Jen sightings in Seattle. I've never ran into her...until recently.

I was sitting at the local lesbo bar (the only one) and in walks "Jen." My jaw literally dropped. My friend I was with immediately yelled, "Oh my god! That girl looks exactly like..." Before she can finish her sentence my heart started racing. I immediately had to go outside for a cigarette. The whole night I stared at her.

Since then, I'll see "Jen" driving, walking around my 'hood, etc. But I never had the balls to say hi. I think there's something creepy going up to someone and saying, "You look exactly like the girl I'm in love with. Wanna go out sometime?"

So fast forward to yesterday. My roomie and I decide to go shopping and stop at a vintage store. As I'm driving there I see "Jen" walking. I freak out a little hoping she's going into the same store we are. After parking, we step into the store and I immediately see her. My heart is racing. I'm feeling everything I feel whenever I see Jen. Everyone is telling me to say hi, but I just freeze and can't get this silly grin off my face. Alas, she leaves and I'm left with the hope I'll run into her again.

So last night, my friend and I decide to go to a lesbian night that happens once a month. I hate going to these. There's nothing more disturbing than a bunch of horny lesbians accidently running into you and then girls you would never call giving you the stink eye. But my night got significantly better when I saw "Jen."

And this is when the liquid courage made an appearance.

I finally get the cajones to go up to her. My friend tells me that within 10 minutes of learning her name, we were making out. I find out her name is Joelle. She's just as dorky, quirky, and incredibly adorable as Jen. Kissing her was almost like kissing Jen. It's all a bit creepy, but fuck I wanted her to be Jen so much.

At this point I don't really know how to feel. I woke up next her in the morning and all I can feel was this urge to call Jen and tell her how much I miss and love her. I've never been more confused than I am at this very moment.

I miss her. I'll always miss her.

Nothing worse.

There is probably nothing worse than falling for a straight girl if you're a lesbian.

I always thought it was ridiculous for my lesbian friends to fall for straight girls. I mean, every lesbian hooks up with straight girls. But you never fall for them. Doy. It's like setting yourself up for heartbreak and embarassment. So I always try my best to stay away.

But alas,

I have fallen for a straight girl.

And I'm hitting myself in the head right now. Hard. I don't know how it happened. Maybe it was in the works for awhile but now it's too late. And I can't get her out of my head. I have never wanted so badly to have a penis. Hmm...maybe I'll just go to Castle and buy one. Ha.

Dammit.

Dodging Cupid's Arrow

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

I refuse to have a "Valentine." There's just something so gay about the whole holiday.

Maybe it's because I've never really had a full on "Valentine" and therefore the holiday just seems so strange. I tend to freak out a bit when things get too mushy or lovey-dovey, and I have a feeling it is why I completely ended things with Alice yesterday. Remember her? Yeah, me too. That's why I decided to call things off.

I told Alice that we were leading two different lives. I said that we have two completely different circle of friends and that I honestly don't see it going anywhere. Lately, we haven't really been hanging out. Instead, it's been us "hanging out" for a couple of hours of the day just to say we hung out. Therefore, I didn't think she would find it so shocking I wanted to end things.

But she was. In fact, she cried. I never pictured Alice as the one to cry. She's so "badass" and never really shows her true feelings (typical Libra, I say). I don't really know how I feel about the whole situation now. In all honesty, we have been hanging out with each other since November. That's quite a long time for lesbians. That's an even longer time for me. But as my feelings for Lindsey continue to play themself out, I really needed to drop Alice. It's what's best.

So tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Whoop-ti-do.

An introduction.

I first met Lindsey in the sorority.

What's funny is that I remember the first time I saw her. She was getting a house tour and I remember thinking she was really hot. Not like "cute" or "pretty" but Lindsey was absolutely beautiful.

We didn't immediately become friends. I remember on her first night out with girls from our sorority, I asked for her number. You know, in case I found a better party to go to or in case I ever needed a drinking buddy. I never used that number that night. In fact, when I was going through which numbers to delete when I got my new phone, for some reason I didn't delete hers. Even though I had never spoken to her since that first night (besides small talk here and there), I wanted to keep her number.

Fast foward to later that year. We start "hanging out" a little more. And by hanging out, I mean we say hi to each other in the halls. Occasionally she would sit in my room and watch tv/movies with me. We started to hang out more as our circle of friends collided. There was nothing to it.

Then there came the time when there was no one in the house. It was just me and Lindsey. We decided to watch a movie in the slounge (the tv room). Out of nowhere she says, "You're gay right?" My jaw literally dropped to the floor. I was so surprised. It's one of those things that you think about in your head all the time but never thought anyone else caught on. I immediately refuted her comment saying I had never done anything with a girl. And thus no, I was not gay. I apparently spoke too soon.

That summer, Lindsey left for study abroad. She also started dating a new guy. That summer, I started working for my big corporate company. That summer, I met Jen.

When Lindsey returned later that summer, she was the first person I told about Jen. I then found out that she also dated a girl back in the day. We had a lot more in common than we thought.

Since that time, we have become best friends. She's the one that I bitch to about every girl. She knows way too much about my sex life than anyone should ever know. I've seen her break up with her boyfriend numerous times only to get back together with him 3 days later.

But things change I guess.

She is once again single. And I'm officially Jen-free. I am starting to see her in a different light. Which is somewhat scary. It's weird to think that she has been there the whole time. She has literally been right in front of my eyes the whole time.

So this post is to officially introduce Lindsey. You will be hearing a lot about her (btw, sorry for not updating...).

This adventure should be interesting.

A+

Sorry for a lack of updates. I guess I've been busy? Umm...Alice and I are kind of hitting a "rough" patch. We barely hang out and when we do, it's just kind of awkward all the time. Maybe it's the age difference. Maybe it's because we lost the "magic." All I know is that it's crazy how you can go from liking someone so much to not knowing why you're still talking to them. I guess I'll just play it out and see what happens.

In other news, I am back in school. Winter quarter kind of blows. It's too cold to do anything. Basically I have been left to stay home and watch trashy tv or play video games. I thought I would take this time to take a "break" from girls. I'm just getting sick of trying to define relationships--what we are, how much we are, etc. If I hear the words, "we have to talk" one more time, I swear I might just run away.

So it's a surprise that when I take a vow to stay away from girls that I kind of meet someone in the least expecting place--my classroom. No, I'm not talking about some gross "Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson" moment, but instead, it involves a certain Teacher's Assistant.

When I first saw TA walk in a classroom filled with over 200 students, I immediately turned on my gaydar. I kept trying to make eye contact. Finally, as she was handing out the syllabus, we locked eyes. I gave her a little smile then turned my head away. I crossed my fingers in hopes I was in her section...and wala...I was!

So the next few days were probably the most awkward played out scenes you can imagine. There were awkward glances. Little smirks. Then finally. I received a little note from TA. It read, "Any exciting plans this weekend? Call me."

I have yet to utilize this number. I'm sure it will happen though. Hopefully I make the grade...

Apparently it's not the end...yet.

There's a cliche when it comes to lesbians. Of course there's the "u-haul girlfriend" where 2 lesbians meet and immediate fall "in love" and within weeks, one is moving in with their pet cat in tow. But there's another cliche that I'm finding to be very true these days. And that is the one in which it takes several attempts and even more time (maybe even years) to break up.

And that is how I feel like me and Jen will be like forever.

As I mentioned before, Jen has/had a girlfriend. I recently went to LA to attend a concert (cough cough Spice Girls cough cough), and it was inevitable that I was going to see Jen. I kept telling my friends and myself that I was not going to see her. In fact, I really kind of didn't. The new girl I'm kind of seeing was worried. Alice, without making it obvious that she was mad, asked if I was going to see Jen. I told her that I wasn't sure. But that I would try hard to avoid the whole situation.

Well...I definitely saw Jen.

The thing is--everything was fine. We are always fine when we see each other. No matter how fucked up our situation is, we always have fun and we're always laughing. We talked. We talked about us. We talked about our new "girlfriends." She then informed me that she was breaking up with hers. She said she wasn't ready to be in a hardcore relationship.

So I left LA feeling new emotions for Jen. I didn't hate her. In fact, I realized how happy she made me. And how I was glad to still have her part of my life.

I don't know what our next step is going to be. Maybe we'll be friends for a bit. I don't know. She confuses me. Alice confuses me. I just need some time I guess.

Sigh.

Anxiety?

So I've been kind of hanging out with this girl.

I met her a couple of weeks ago at a concert. I convinced my friend to go up to her and get her name. Later, we started talking and I asked her out on a date.

We've been inseperable ever since. In the past two weeks, she has pretty much lived in my house, my roommates are no longer surprised to see her on the couch when they get home from work, we make dinner together, and she officially survived a house party we threw (where she met all of my friends).

This leads me to feel pretty fucking nervous and anxious all the time.

I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to meet someone and fall for her. I didn't want to fall into the same trap I did with Jen. Especially so fast.

To be honest, I'm scared. And I think it's starting to show. I'm not the jealous type--I have my moments, but usually I stay calm and collected. But last night was BAD. And by bad I mean AWKWARD. I guess she kind of has an "open relationship" with someone and that girl found out about me and has been making new girl feel guilty. So last night while we were hanging out, she told me she had to go to the other girl's house to talk.

I'm not a fucking idiot. I know what "talking" leads to. Especially with two lesbians.

So I was definitely NOT happy.

All of this made got me thinking. I don't think I'm ready. I'm actually really fucking scared now. I am not the type of person to easily fall for girls. In fact, I get asked to be committed all of the time, but I refuse to do it. So it's rare that I have such intense feelings. It's weird that I actually "hang out" with this girl rather than just meet her and pull the "hump her/dump her" routine.

I guess in the end, I'm just scared. And confused as fuck. I have no idea how to handle this without being too emotionally involved. God am I scared.

-enter heavy breathing-