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Sorry for a lack of updates. I guess I've been busy? Umm...Alice and I are kind of hitting a "rough" patch. We barely hang out and when we do, it's just kind of awkward all the time. Maybe it's the age difference. Maybe it's because we lost the "magic." All I know is that it's crazy how you can go from liking someone so much to not knowing why you're still talking to them. I guess I'll just play it out and see what happens.

In other news, I am back in school. Winter quarter kind of blows. It's too cold to do anything. Basically I have been left to stay home and watch trashy tv or play video games. I thought I would take this time to take a "break" from girls. I'm just getting sick of trying to define relationships--what we are, how much we are, etc. If I hear the words, "we have to talk" one more time, I swear I might just run away.

So it's a surprise that when I take a vow to stay away from girls that I kind of meet someone in the least expecting place--my classroom. No, I'm not talking about some gross "Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson" moment, but instead, it involves a certain Teacher's Assistant.

When I first saw TA walk in a classroom filled with over 200 students, I immediately turned on my gaydar. I kept trying to make eye contact. Finally, as she was handing out the syllabus, we locked eyes. I gave her a little smile then turned my head away. I crossed my fingers in hopes I was in her section...and wala...I was!

So the next few days were probably the most awkward played out scenes you can imagine. There were awkward glances. Little smirks. Then finally. I received a little note from TA. It read, "Any exciting plans this weekend? Call me."

I have yet to utilize this number. I'm sure it will happen though. Hopefully I make the grade...

Apparently it's not the end...yet.

There's a cliche when it comes to lesbians. Of course there's the "u-haul girlfriend" where 2 lesbians meet and immediate fall "in love" and within weeks, one is moving in with their pet cat in tow. But there's another cliche that I'm finding to be very true these days. And that is the one in which it takes several attempts and even more time (maybe even years) to break up.

And that is how I feel like me and Jen will be like forever.

As I mentioned before, Jen has/had a girlfriend. I recently went to LA to attend a concert (cough cough Spice Girls cough cough), and it was inevitable that I was going to see Jen. I kept telling my friends and myself that I was not going to see her. In fact, I really kind of didn't. The new girl I'm kind of seeing was worried. Alice, without making it obvious that she was mad, asked if I was going to see Jen. I told her that I wasn't sure. But that I would try hard to avoid the whole situation.

Well...I definitely saw Jen.

The thing is--everything was fine. We are always fine when we see each other. No matter how fucked up our situation is, we always have fun and we're always laughing. We talked. We talked about us. We talked about our new "girlfriends." She then informed me that she was breaking up with hers. She said she wasn't ready to be in a hardcore relationship.

So I left LA feeling new emotions for Jen. I didn't hate her. In fact, I realized how happy she made me. And how I was glad to still have her part of my life.

I don't know what our next step is going to be. Maybe we'll be friends for a bit. I don't know. She confuses me. Alice confuses me. I just need some time I guess.

Sigh.

Anxiety?

So I've been kind of hanging out with this girl.

I met her a couple of weeks ago at a concert. I convinced my friend to go up to her and get her name. Later, we started talking and I asked her out on a date.

We've been inseperable ever since. In the past two weeks, she has pretty much lived in my house, my roommates are no longer surprised to see her on the couch when they get home from work, we make dinner together, and she officially survived a house party we threw (where she met all of my friends).

This leads me to feel pretty fucking nervous and anxious all the time.

I didn't want this to happen. I didn't want to meet someone and fall for her. I didn't want to fall into the same trap I did with Jen. Especially so fast.

To be honest, I'm scared. And I think it's starting to show. I'm not the jealous type--I have my moments, but usually I stay calm and collected. But last night was BAD. And by bad I mean AWKWARD. I guess she kind of has an "open relationship" with someone and that girl found out about me and has been making new girl feel guilty. So last night while we were hanging out, she told me she had to go to the other girl's house to talk.

I'm not a fucking idiot. I know what "talking" leads to. Especially with two lesbians.

So I was definitely NOT happy.

All of this made got me thinking. I don't think I'm ready. I'm actually really fucking scared now. I am not the type of person to easily fall for girls. In fact, I get asked to be committed all of the time, but I refuse to do it. So it's rare that I have such intense feelings. It's weird that I actually "hang out" with this girl rather than just meet her and pull the "hump her/dump her" routine.

I guess in the end, I'm just scared. And confused as fuck. I have no idea how to handle this without being too emotionally involved. God am I scared.

-enter heavy breathing-

The End.

I recently found out that Jen has a new girlfriend. We hadn't talked for awhile, which is rare, but I still didn't think it would be because she had a new girlfriend. I just figured she was too busy with work or something.

So I got an IM from her (so middle school btw). She told me she had something to tell me. Mind you, I am flying out to LA next week, so I quickly got worried. She then broke the news that she was in a relationship. She couldn't even fucking say she had a new girlfriend or that she was seeing someone else. She said, "I'm in a relationship now."

Then the cunt decided to give me details about how it went down expecting me to say "Awwww" at the end.

To be honest, initially I wasn't sad. I wasn't mad. My heart definitely sank a little. But then I remembered that I kind of had someone too. In fact, I had just spent the whole weekend in bed with someone else. And I was about to leave to pick her up for lunch.

I immediately called my friend up in which he responded with the following:
"You know what they say, it's easier to get over someone when you're under somebody else."

True dat.

But today, I woke up and I can't describe how I was feeling. There was an emptiness inside of me. A feeling that finally told me it was the end. I immediately broke down and started crying. My emo mix was quickly turned up and I just sat in my bed thinking about all I had been through with Jen. Then I removed every picture I could find of her from my room. I took down little notes she had written, concert tickets we had been too, plane tickets I had collected from every time I flew out to see her (there were over 20 total...), and finally I took down the framed picture of the first night we met.

She was the one that made everything so clear. And for the first time I wished I had never met her.

I don't really know what to think right now. My feelings are at a standpoint. Here I am kind of dating someone who is fucking rad but all I can do is think about Jen. I'm supposed to meet my new girl for dinner. But I would rather sit in my room and listen to cheesy break up songs. All I can do now is ask myself, "Now what?"

Breaking up is hard to do.

So LA

A year ago around this time, one of my LA friends came for a visit. He's your typical celeb moocher--doesn't have a job, is still working on his "album" (it has already been 4 years...), and basically lives off his uber famous friend. Because of this, he constantly has VIP passes to any club, the best table at every restaurant, a constant stash of the best drugs and alcohol one can have, and the best part--being in the background of every paparazzi picture. What a life.

So when he came to visit, he invited me to his hotel for a little "get together." This get together had over 100 people. I arrived with a buddy of mine and we made our spot on the couch. Pretty soon, my friend comes in with a girl and tells her, "This is my friend I was talking about." I looked at her--she looks REALLY familiar. Where have I seen her before...

She sits down next to me and I realize who it is. Everyone knows who it is. She's famous. She's been in a few d-list movies and one really big TV show. So we're talking...I find out she's filming a movie in the city I live. She keeps brushing her hands on my legs. This is when I down my cocktail and look at my friend in the "What the fuck do I do" way.

I finally stand up and tell her I need to be heading out. It was just highly weird. I gave her my number and tell her to call me if she gets bored. When I get home, I immediately google her name and "lesbian." Yup, there have been suspicions. I should've known. Perez is always right.

The next day I get a text from actress. She asks me if I know of any good places to eat (I chuckled a bit...). I recommended my favorite sushi joint to which she asked me to join her. Later that night we met up and ate dinner and drank lots of wine. I asked her why she hasn't come out and she tells me she's just "having fun."

The night ends with more "having fun." She had the most amazing body I had ever seen and touched. Almost as if it was from the movies...oh wait.

We rarely speak these days. I get a few emails here and there just asking how I'm doing. In fact, I haven't seen her since that night. Perez still has his suspicions and the paparazzi has caught her several times with the same "girl." Well Perez--you're right. 100% correct. She's such a homo and I hope she's on the cover of People one day with the headline, "I'm Gay!" As for me, she ended up not being the only "celebrity" I hooked up with. But definitely a story for the books...

Out with the old, in with the older?

I recently just came out at work. Which was awkward considering about 4 guys from work asked me out. I would always make up excuses like, "I have other plans," or "I have to wash my hair." But I really wanted to say was "I like pussy." Haha, I could just imagine what their faces would've been like if I just said that out loud.

At my job we have random designers come in to try to "inspire" us. Last week was no different. The woman that showed up looked like a character from the L Word. She was wearing a sweater with her collared shirt sticking out, jeans tucked into her boots, and perhaps it was her haircut that gave it away--blonde and spiked, dying to yell out "DYKE!"

After she gave her little talk, I went back to my desk. A few minutes later I get a page from my boss telling me to return to the conference room. She tells me she has someone that wants to meet me.

It was the designer.

So...picture this. I get left ALONE in the CONFERENCE ROOM with a 38 YEAR OLD famous designer at WORK. As my boss leaves the room she gives me a little wink. Wow.

So designer chick asks me out. She says she's only in town for a couple of days and wants to "grab a drink." I say yes. I figure it's free drinks. Plus, she's kind of hot. And what the hell, I have nothing else to do.

We grab some drinks. As I'm getting more and more "buzzed" (I lie, I was actually wasted by now), she asks me to go to her hotel room to watch some TV. Again, I say yes. Only because I want to sober up, I swear!

Turns out 38 year old women are kind of cool. That's all I'll say about that.

I guess she got offered a teaching position at a local community college. She says she'll be here for at least 3 months. Teacher? Hmm...this is too easy.

Call it off.

There's a Tegan and Sara song called "Call it off." The lyrics go a little something like this:

I won't regret saying this
This thing that I'm saying
Is it better than keeping my mouth shut
That goes without saying
Call, break it off
Call, break my own heart
Maybe I would have been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would have been something I'd be good at
But now we'll never know
I won't be sad
But in case I go there
Everyday, to make myself feel bad
There's a chance that
I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to

The part that gets me is the "Maye I would have been something you'd be good at."

I've reached the stage where I think I just need to call things off with Jen. I look at my last post and it's ironic that it has come to this. But...I think it's time to go on.

For some reason, it feels ok.

And I'm fine with ok.